A Happy Tale of Stuff and Runo!
by Miyamashi
Summary: In a direct contrast to my other Runo (RenoXRufus) fic, White Flag, this crazy story focuses instead around a party for Rufus and his "Girlfriend" (Reno) and its preparations. Slight shounen-ai warning, but nothing even remotely close to graphic.COMPLETE
1. Getting Ready for the Party

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A Happy Tale of STUFF…and Runo

Chapter 1: Getting Ready for the Party

By: Miyamashi

* * *

Miyamashi's Note: I love this fic to death, but it, frankly, is just…stupid. It's very entertaining, but it is stupid. (But, shouldn't everybody indulge in a stupid fanfic every now and then?) You have been warned. (RenoXRufus…AKA: Runo) Just as a note, Reno is characterized as a total goofball, Rufus is the sarcastic, almost sadistic one, and Elena is a complete and utter ditz. Rude is there, too, and he actually talks quite a bit. Reeve is just strange. Oddly, none of them really seem THAT OOC…but that's just me, I think. Also note that my offhanded and slightly hidden comment about Aeris' fashion sense is just for fun, seeing as she's my favorite character in FF7 (Then comes Rufus, then Reno).

The first two chapters are a lot better than the third, in my opinion, and the end is also pretty predictable and a little overused, but it's the journey that counts, not the destination.

Warning- This fic has some bad language, some minor flirting and one kiss between the boys, much randomness, and CROSS-DRESSING! Yay! It's the formula for perfect fanfiction! (Yeah…right.)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or places or ANYTHING associated with FF7, Square does. I'm just having a bit of harmless (non-profit) fun.

* * *

Rufus- I need a girlfriend…

Reno- WHA?!? But I thought we were _happy_!

Rufus- We are. You know that big company party that the staff just sprung on us?

Reno- …yeah…what's that got to do with anything?

Rufus- That party is _because_ everyone wants to meet my "girlfriend".

Reno- Huh?

Rufus- We were caught. I really need to put something on those windows.

Reno- Shit………..heyyy, they thought I was a _girl_?

Rufus- [Shrugs] I guess that they assumed.

Reno- Well, you're the boss. Why do you even have to go to the party? It's not like they can all tell you what to do.

Rufus- I have to go, Reno, or I won't hear the end of it, and I really can't afford to just fire everyone and get new employees.

Reno- Well, go pick up some whore from the slums or something.

Rufus- They saw your hair…

Reno- DAMNIT!!! ……and they didn't know who I was?

Rufus- [shrugs again] It's probably a good thing, too.

Reno- [sighs] So, what're you gonna do?

Rufus- [Stares pleadingly at Reno]

Reno- Oh nononononono! NOT ME!

Rufus- Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssseeee?

Reno- NO!

Rufus- Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeeeee?

Reno- **_NO!!!_**

Rufus- PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????

Reno- But…but…I don't WANNA!

Rufus- [pouts]

Reno- Rufus, I don't _wanna_ dress like a girl!

Rufus- [gives Reno "puppy-dog eyes"]

Reno- Don't look at me like that!!!

Rufus- [gets teary-eyed and his bottom lip starts to quiver]

Reno- [looks away] I'm not doing it.

Rufus- I think that you're forgetting something.

Reno- What?

Rufus- I'm still your boss.

Reno- Hey, don't pull that on me! That's not fair!

Rufus- I use what I have.

Reno- Damn you.

Rufus- [grins smugly]

* * *

Reno- So, where exactly are we supposed to get girl…stuff…?

Rufus- I have it covered. Go hide somewhere.

Reno- Where?

Rufus- Just _find_ someplace.

Reno- But this is a big, open office.

Rufus- Come here.

Reno- …okay…[walks over to Rufus]

Rufus- [unceremoniously shoves Reno under his desk, sits down, and buzzes his secretary.]

Secretary- Sir.

Rufus- Miss…uh…Secretary…my girlfriend just called from the train. She was mugged by a drunkard and lost the extra outfit that she brought for the party. She can wear one of my shirts, but she still needs…everything else. Can you do this for me?

Secretary- Yes Sir. But, I have one question.

Rufus- [going red in the face, his heart pounding] W-what is it?

Secretary- What size is she?

Rufus- [Returning to normal colour and dropping out of potential cardiac arrest] She is…uh…hold on a second…[ducks under the desk to ask Reno]

Secretary- Sir, what _are_ you doing?

Rufus- [from under the desk, only his hand showing over the top] Don't mind me. I'll get back to you.

Secretary- …

Rufus- [Pops back up] H…_She_ is a four.

Secretary- Thank you Sir. [muttering as she exits] _I think that my boss is insane…_

Rufus- [to Reno] You can come out now.

Reno- [GASP] It was CRAMPED under there!

* * *

[Sometime later]

Rufus- Well, we have everything that we need.

Reno- Why do I have to wear one of your turtlenecks?

Rufus- So that nobody sees your Adam's Apple. Now, go change.

Reno- Fine…[goes into a nearby bathroom]

[After a few minutes]

Reno- [Yelling from bathroom] Help me! I'm STUCK!

Rufus- How did you get stuck? On What? You're just _changing clothes_, for Pete's sake!

Reno- No questions, just help!…and who is Pete, anyway?

Rufus- How the hell should I know? I just say it. I didn't make it up. [Sighs and walks to the bathroom, opens the door, and abruptly bursts out laughing.]

[Reno, who is caught and hanging from one of the bathroom's surprisingly strong light fixtures by the half-stuffed and partially clasped bra that he is wearing, begins to flail wildly, trying to catch Rufus' attention. Rufus is, by now, literally rolling on the floor.]

Rufus- [After finally recovering, tears still streaming from his eyes] How exactly did you get up there?

Reno- Well, I figured that I needed boobs to be an attractive girl, but I couldn't exactly figure out how to hook this stupid thing. [points to bra] Well, I decided that I needed the mirror, but it was too high up for me to see anything…

Rufus- Please tell me that you didn't climb up on the counter. Just put me into a healthy state of denial. I beg of you.

Reno- Well…I guess that I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Rufus- I can't believe that, with all of the beautiful, normal _women _lined up outside my door, ready to just jump my bones, I went and picked _you_.

Reno- But you **_looove_** me. You want to **_heeeelllp_** me.

Rufus- [Starts to walk off, waving a dismissive hand toward Reno.]

Reno- Hey, come back! Don't leave me hanging here!

Rufus- No. You embarrass me.

Reno- You take some kind of sick pride in torturing me, don't you?

Rufus- Of course. It makes living worthwhile. [walks to Reno and unhooks him from the light fixture. Reno lands on top of him.]

Reno- How ya' doin', Sexy?

Rufus- …Crushed.

Reno- Oh…sorry. [stands]

Rufus- [Standing and dusting himself off.] While I would normally feel very kinky about pulling you back onto that floor…

Reno- Ooh! Let's go!

Rufus- …you look very goofy in that bra [Reno begins to pull it off]…and we still have a lot to do before tonight.

Reno- [dejectedly, letting the bra snap back into place] Aww……ow, that hurt…[rubs back]

Rufus- Turn around.

Reno- Okay. [turns]

Rufus- [Finishes hooking the bra. Grabs the rest of the stuffing and hands it to Reno.] There. That was much easier than getting caught on the lights.

Reno- Thanks, but how d'you know how to do that?

Rufus- Um…well…don't ask me those kinds of questions!

Reno- And _I'm_ the embarrassing one?

Rufus- …Yes.

Reno- Well, I'm going to go finish changing now.

Rufus- Are you sure that you don't need any more help?

Reno- Yes. I'm _positive_.

Rufus- Okay then. I'm going to go get a drink. Yes, some of my strongest Vodka should do the trick, don't you think? Now where'd I put that giant mug of mine?

Reno- [Sticks out his tongue at Rufus]

* * *

[After a few uneventful moments]

Reno- [Pops out of the bathroom and flourishes] Ta-Daa!

Rufus- [Who does, indeed, have a very large mug of his strongest vodka on his desk] You look like an idiot.

Reno- [dryly] Thanks. And _whose_ bright idea was this? Not mine!

Rufus- Hey, sorry about that, but we were kind of out of options. So, how are we going to do your hair and makeup?

Reno- You _can't _be serious.

Rufus- Of course I am.

Reno- Can't I just go like this?

Rufus- Yeah, go ahead…

Reno- Okay then, I will.

Rufus- …If you want to be recognized by the whole company, including the other Turks, while wearing a skirt.

Reno- [gulps]

Rufus- I thought so.

Reno- Well, get it over with already!

Rufus- Me?

Reno- Don't you know how?

Rufus- Of course I don't!!!

Reno- Oh, I thought that you would.

Rufus- And why, exactly, would you think _that_?

Reno- Well, with the bra thing and all, I figured that you were a closet cross-dresser or something…

Rufus- You thought that I was a **_WHAT?!?!_**

Reno- A…closet…cross……dresser…?

Rufus- I am NOT a closet cross-dresser!!!

Reno- Well _so-rry_. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't love you any less if you were.

Rufus- I just can't get over the fact that you thought that I was one in the first place!

Reno- Then why do you know how to work a bra?

Rufus- [sighing] I guess I have some explaining to do.

Reno- [mockingly] Yup, because even if you don't tell me now, I'll just find ways of bugging you until you do.

Rufus- Point taken. I'm sure that you remember my father.

[both shiver]

Reno- Yes. We must thank Sephiroth for turning him into a shish kabob, even if Sephy is a raging maniac.

Rufus- And you know how much of a wannabe womanizer he was.

[Both shiver again]

Reno- He gave playboys everywhere a bad name.

Rufus- He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, so he tied me to a chair and gave me lessons on ways to win a woman's heart…well…more like ways to get women into bed with me. Bras were a part of this, particularly how to _undo_ them.

Reno- [laughs] Look at Daddy's boy now!

Rufus- [cynically] Yeah, he'd be _so very proud_…now look, you've made me bring back those bad memories.

[both shiver again-again]

Reno- Sorry. I'll never mention it again.

Rufus- Thanks.

Reno- So, uh, how are we going to get that makeup crap to look right?

Rufus- Well, we can always just try it. It can't be _that_ difficult…right?

Reno- I don't know about that. Shouldn't we get a girl to do it?

Rufus- Who? Plus, like I said, it can't be that hard.

Reno- I dunno. Scarlet never seems to get hers right, and she does it every day.

Rufus- Scarlet is a slut. She doesn't count.

Reno- True.

Rufus- Now, let's see. [starts to dig in the makeup case] _What the…?_

Reno- What? I wanna see!

Rufus- [keeps digging in the case, completely ignoring Reno, a puzzled and panicked look on his face.] Oh…uh…GREAT, HOLY LIFESTREAM, WHAT **_IS_** THAT?!?!

Reno- What is _what_?

Rufus- See for yourself. [Holds up the makeup case, which contains (now scattered everywhere) over 10 different shades of blush, more than 50 different eye shadow colours, enough mascaras to make a rainbow look monotone, and a crapload of lipsticks]

Reno- [pales visibly] How about we just…skip to hair?

Rufus- [discarding the case] Hair I can do. [flicks his own bangs]

Reno- Okay.

Rufus- [Starts messing with Reno's hair. After a few minutes, he stops abruptly.] Reno, do you own a brush?

Reno- I dunno. Why?

Rufus- If you have one, _use it_, and if you don't, _get one_.

Reno- Why?

Rufus- Because your hair has already eaten _my_ brush and is now attempting to devour my hand.

Reno- Don't be silly. It's not that bad.

Rufus- My hand will not come out of your hair.

Reno- [shrugs] Then you're not pulling hard enough.

Rufus- [struggling to free his captive appendage] If I pull any harder, one of us is going to lose a body part: either my hand or your head.

Reno- Jeez, it's not _that _bad! [Grabs Rufus' hand and tries to pull it out of the matted knot of red…completely unsuccessfully.]

Rufus- I TOLD YOU! Now we're going to have to go to the stupid party looking like some sort of mutant Siamese twins.

Reno- Wait! I have an idea! You grab that. [points to one of the office's large support beams.]

Rufus- [does so, albeit a bit unsurely] ..Alright…

Reno- Hold on tight.

Rufus- [imagining what is coming and looking away, prepared for his arm to be ripped from its socket.] Okay.

Reno- [Runs full-force away from Rufus, freeing the blonde, but losing a chunk of hair in the process] Ow…that really hurt.

Rufus- [picking bits of Reno Hair from his fingers] Buy a _brush_.

Reno- Alright already!

* * *

[After a very long time of both of the guys attempting to do something…anything…with Reno's hair, Reno gave up, took off his trademark sunglasses with difficulty (causing a large portion of his hair to flop into his face) and allowed Rufus to tie a big, blue bow onto his ponytail.]

Rufus- Well, I guess that problem is as settled as we're going to get it. But, we _still_ need to figure out our makeup dilemma.

Reno- Why don't you just do it? I don't think that you can make me look any worse than I already do. I mean, a _bow_? Who in their right mind wears a big bow in their hair?

Rufus- Hey, I never accused you of being in your right mind, but you're _wearing_ the bow _whether you like it or not_. Now, what are we going to do about the _makeup_, hm?

Reno- I told you already, you do it!

Rufus- I'll screw it up and you know it. Why don't we go to that blonde chick and have her do your makeup.

Reno- Blonde chick?

Rufus- Ellen, I think her name was. You know, your newest co-worker.

Reno- You mean _Elena_?

Rufus- Yeah, her. Hey, you can't say that I didn't try. I was close.

Reno- I am NOT going to Elena for tips and help with cross-dressing. She'd use it as blackmail information.

Rufus- _What did you do to her_?

Reno- Me? Nothing! You know that I'm a perfect little angel. [Reno gives a look so utterly insincere that it is easy to imagine horns sprouting from his head]

Rufus- [looks at Reno skeptically] Well, maybe she won't realize it's you.

Reno- Yeah, right.

Rufus- We have to take the chance. [buzzes Elena]

[About five minutes later]

Elena- [Shaking] Y-y-yes…s-sir? Is something…w-wrong?

Rufus- No, no. Sit down. [He motions to a chair.]

Elena- [sits]

Rufus- How good are you with the application of makeup?

Elena- [Stares at him blankly, still shaking]

Rufus- Listen, I need someone to do makeup for my girlfriend for the party. She doesn't dress up very often, and I have no experience with the stuff whatsoever.

Elena- Is that it? I'm not getting fired?

Rufus- No. Where'd you get that idea?

Elena- Reno told me that if I got called up to the president's office that it was because I was being fired.

Rufus- Oh he _did_, did he? [loud enough for Reno, who sits crouched in a corner, to hear] I am definitely going to have to _punish_ Reno for spreading tall tales.

Elena- Is that her over there?

Reno- [squeaks]

Rufus- Huh?

Elena- Your girlfriend.

Rufus- Oh, yes. [Calling to Reno] Oh…[realizes that he hasn't given his "girlfriend" a name yet]……

Elena-What's wrong sir?

Rufus- Nothing. [calling again] Oh…Rena?

Reno- [eyes bug out and he mouths "Rena?" at Rufus. Calling back in an unnaturally squeaky voice] Yes Rufus, Hon?

Rufus- [Looks nervously at Elena, only to find that she hasn't even flinched] I'd like you to meet Elena, who has kindly agreed to help with your makeup.

Elena- [Stands and shakes hands enthusiastically with "Rena"] Wow! It's so nice to meet you, Rena! Wow, what a pretty name! …Hey, do I know you?

Rena- [still in squeaky "girl voice"] N-no…I don't think so. [gives Rufus a look that clearly says "What the…She doesn't know it's me?"]

Rufus- [Shrugs at Reno halfheartedly]

Elena- Dragging Rena to the office door, clearly heading for her own room] Oh, We're going to have _so much fun_! We get to get ready for the party together! Isn't that great?

Rena- [staring pleadingly at Rufus, the panic clearly visible in his eyes.] Uh huh…

Elena- [to Rufus] She'll be back in no time, okay? You just relax until then! [she runs out of the room, dragging Rena along for the ride.]

Rufus- [Stares at the empty doorway for a long while before slumping into his desk chair and downing the rest of his mug of vodka.]


	2. Quality Time With Elena

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A Happy Tale of STUFF…and Runo

Chapter 2: Quality Time With Elena

By: Miyamashi

* * *

[In Elena's Room]

Elena- So, what do you want to do first?

Rena- How about…_makeup_? Isn't that what I'm here for?

Elena- [tears start to form in her eyes] You…don't want to have fun with me? Do you hate me already? I mean…we only just met…and…and…

Rena- [panicking] No! I didn't say that! I…just want to get the makeup thing over with _before _we have fun!

Elena- [Brightening, all traces that she was ever even remotely close to being sad now gone] Oh! Okay then! [Elena suddenly ambushes Rena with a powder puff.]

Rena- EEEE!

[After the powder clears]

Rena- [HACK! COUGH!!] What was THAT for?

Elena- Well, you can't expect me to make you pretty without foundation powder, CAN YOU?

Rena- …No?

Elena- Exactly. Now, lessee…what lipstick would look pretty on Rena…[Pulls out the brightest shade of Slut Red that she can find]…Ah HA! It's perfect! It matches your hair. Now, pucker up.

Rena- [Puckers, muffled] …lihe dis?

Elena- Uh huh.

[Elena applies lipstick to Rena as "she" cringes]

Rena- [Still puckering] Dis sduff feehs funneh…

Elena- You can close your mouth now, you know.

Rena- Don'd I hash du led id dry or sunding?

Elena- Haven't you _ever_ worn lipstick before?

[Rena shakes head]

Elena- Oh, you poor, deprived little child!

Rena- I'n nod dehrived…

Elena- …You've at least worn _blush_ or something, right?

Rena- Nuh-uh.

Elena- Well, I guess there's no use fussing over it now. You really can close your lips. It doesn't need to dry.

[Rena closes lips]

Elena- That's not so bad now, is it?

Rena- I don't like it. It's sticky.

Elena- You'll get used to it. Now smile, so I can see where I need to put this blush.

[Rena grins broadly]

Elena- You have a very…familiar smile.

[Rena grins much less broadly]

Elena- Hmmm…who do you remind me of?

[Rena shrugs]

Elena- Oh well. I guess I'm just imagining things.

Rena- I guess so, because I sure don't remind _me_ of anybody!

Elena- I guess that you're right. [puts blush on Rena as he sits with a fake smile and his eyes scrunched ]

Rena- Is it over?

Elena- Not yet. I still have to do your eyes.

Rena- [Sighs]

Elena- [Suspiciously] What are those scars from?

Rena- [shaking a bit] …Scars?

Elena- The ones on your cheeks.

Rena- I was…mugged by a drunkard on the train. He tried to…take advantage of me!

Elena- [listening intently] Ooh, how scary! What happened then?

Rena- [Thinking not-so-discreetly] Well…that's when my Rufi showed up! He came and valiantly fought off the brute as I…uh…cowered…like the damsel in the distress that I so _obviously_ am. That's when I fell in love with him.

Elena- [starry-eyed] …Wow.

Rena- [starting to have fun with his story] This party was the least that I could do for my little honey bunch.

Elena- Oh! The party! I had almost forgotten!

Rena- [smile fades] Oh, yeah. That.

Elena- I still have to finish your makeup!

Rena- Uh…huh…

Elena- You need some mascara to accentuate those pretty green eyes of yours.

Rena- [to himself] Oh, brother.

Elena- Now, I want you to open your eyes nice and wide and try not to blink.

Rena- Staring contest? Now?

Elena- No, silly. It's for the…oh, whatever. Yeah, staring contest.

Rena- Whatever you say. [Rena bugs out his eyes and stops blinking]

Elena- Okey-daisy then! [She brings the mascara brush up to one of Rena's eyes and he blinks and pulls away]

Rena- What the? That's cheating!

Elena- Stop moving! How do you expect me to put your mascara on if you _cringe_?

Rena- …No staring contest?

Elena- …No.

Rena- Oh.

Elena- Now, no more blinking and cringing, kay?

Rena- Alright.

Elena- [Tries mascara-ing Rena again, but he blinks and she stabs him in the eye.]

Rena- [slipping back into normal voice] OW!!! Be careful!

Elena- Oh, I'm so sorry! I told you not to blink. Did it really hurt that much? Your voice got all…husky.

Rena- ………

Elena- Will you ever forgive me, Rena?

Rena- …?

Elena- What is it? You look perplexed.

Rena- [back in squeaky girl voice] Oh, nothing…

Elena- So you forgive me?

Rena- …Sure. Just don't do it again.

Elena- Well, _don't blink._

Rena- Easier said than done.

[Somehow, Rena manages to hold still, surprising even himself, as Elena applies a massive amount of mascara to his eyes]

Elena- There you go! Good girl Rena! [pats Rena's head] Have a cookie. [stuffs a cookie in Rena's mouth]

Rena- [Munches on cookie as Elena applies bright blue eye shadow.]

Elena- Awww! You look so _precious!_ Now all you need are earrings.

Rena- [frightened] My ears aren't pierced…

Elena- I have clip-ons.

Rena- [Sighs in relief as he takes the clip-on earrings and puts them on.]

Elena- They're lopsided. [straightens them]

Rena- Thanks.

Elena- No problem, buddy! Oh no! You're done! Oh, and it's so close to party time! I guess that we can't have a girl's night after all…Promise me you'll come back and visit sometime, okay?

Rena- Uh, yeah. Sure. [Nearly runs out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Outside, he rejoices silently]

* * *

[Back in Rufus' room]

Rufus- Oh, good. You're back. For a while there, I was thinking that you'd died.

Rena- Oh, Rufi, were you _worried _about me?

Rufus- No, I was worried that my only option for the party had been destroyed. Plus, it gets cold at night, and I need something to cling to.

Rena- Which, in your own sadistic way means that you were _worried _about me.

Rufus- Yeah, whatever. [smiles softly and indicates Rena with his head] You still sound like a girl, you know.

Reno- [Dropping back into his normal voice] Oh, yeah. Boy, does this feel good.

Rufus- I bet. Do you need a drink? Your throat must be sore.

Reno- Yeah. Some of your strongest vodka should do the trick, don't you think? Hand me that giant mug of yours.

Rufus- [laughs and pours Rena…err, Reno, a drink]


	3. The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said, To P...

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A Happy Tale of STUFF…and Runo

Chapter 3: "The Time Has Come", The Walrus Said, "To PAAAAH-TAY!"

By: Miyamashi

* * *

[Later that night, at the party…]

Rufus- You can be the walrus, alright?

Rena- Eh?!

Rufus- The title. You can be the walrus. I just don't see myself saying that.

Rena- [looks up at title] Oh. Yeah, whatever.

Elena- [runs up to the two and talks at about a thousand words a second] Hi, you two lovebirds! Isn't this a great party?

Rufus- We just got here.

Elena- I know, but isn't it _wonderful_?

Rufus- Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. I'm going to go…mingle. Rena should do the same. This party is for her, after all.

Elena- Ooh! Can I go and introduce her to everybody?

Rufus- Yeah. Have fun! [grins evilly at Rena]

Rena- [glares at Rufus before being yanked away by the arm]

Elena- Okay, this is Rude! He's one of the Turks. He has a partner named Reno…but I don't see Reno anywhere. [looks around] That's odd…he never misses a party…

Rude- I think that Reno's sick today. [Lowers his sunglasses and looks at Rena, head cocked to one side. Shrugs and extends his hand for Rena to shake.]

Rena- [shaking Rude's hand] Uh, hi. I'm Rena, Rufus' girlfriend.

Rude- [to Elena] May I talk with Rena for a minute?

Elena- Yeah…sure… [walks off dejectedly]

Rena- So, uh, what do you think of this party? Isn't it _fabulous_?

Rude- Reno, you can drop the act now.

Reno- [face-faults and stares at Rude.]

Rude- So, who had the creativity to come up with THAT name?

Reno- ………

Rude- You make a really ugly woman, you know that?

Reno- ………

Rude- Surprised that I recognized you?

Reno- [normal voice] …Not really…surprised. More like horrified.

Rude- What in the world possessed you to dress as a woman?

Reno- His name is Rufus.

Rude- Why you?

Reno- …You don't know?

Rude- About…?

Reno- Were you one of the ones who found out about Rufus and his…girlfriend?

Rude- No. I just heard about her.

Reno- Did you hear anything _about_ her?

Rude- Nothing except that she's a…flaming…red………….head…………………………Oh.

Reno- Do you get it now?

Rude- …Since when?

Reno- Huh?

Rude- You and Rufus.

Reno- Oh, that. Seems like forever now.

Rude- Never expected that from you.

Reno- Eh, me either.

Rude- How'd it happen?

Reno- [racks his brain] I…dunno. I think that it just kind of… [shrugs resignedly] …did.

Rude- [just stares at Reno]

Reno- What? I'm telling the truth. One minute we were standing there, and the next…BAM! We weren't standing anymore.

Rude- It's not that. I just still can't get over what an ugly woman you are.

Reno- I am NOT!

Rude- You're absolutely bum-fugly in that get-up, Reno.

Reno- Blame Elena. She did the makeup.

Rude- She doesn't know it's you, does she?

Reno- She has no idea.

Rude- …How?

Reno- I have no idea.

Rude- With that name and everything?

Reno- Really, I have no idea. That was all Rufus, by the way.

Rude- You know, I never expected that from him, either.

Reno- [shrugs] I think that he was as surprised as me.

Rude- I guess that it could be worse. You could have gone and fallen in love with Heidegger…

Reno- UGH! How could you even THINK that?!?

Rude- ……or Palmer.

Reno- [doubles over and starts retching] Bad…mental…image…

Rude- [laughs]

Reno- [still retching] Not…funny.

Rufus- [walking up to the two] Um, Rena…are you alright?

Reno- [runs to the nearest trash can and pukes]

Rude- He's freaking out about what I told him.

Rufus- …You can talk? I always thought that you were a mute. Hm. ….Wait a sec. How do you know he's a he?

Rude- It's pretty obvious. Reno's an ugly woman.

Rufus- [looks at "Rena"] …Yeah, he is…

Rude- I always figured you to have more…refined taste.

Rufus- …So he told you, huh?

Rude- Yes.

Rufus- And what did you tell him to make him start hocking it?

Rude- I told him that he at least had good taste in guys.

Rufus- [fuming] And he started puking?

Rude- Not until I mentioned that he could have picked Heidegger or Palmer.

Rufus- [turning green] …oh.

Rude- Hey, you could have gone and picked Palmer, too. I'm sure he's available.

[Rufus suddenly joins Reno at the trash can. Rude laughs and walks off]

* * *

[A while later…]

Elena- Hey, you two. Are you okay?

[Rufus and "Rena" ignore her as they continue to lose their food from the past four and a half days]

Elena- Mr. President, everybody's waiting for you to go up and speak. See?

[Rufus turns his eyes up to the makeshift stage, where Reeve is standing in front of the microphone, tapping his toe and staring at his watch. As he and Reno stop their retching, crickets chirp]

Reeve- Well, I'm sorry for the delay, but it seems as if our guests of the night are finally finished….

Everybody- YAY!

Rufus- [picks up a napkin and wipes his mouth] Alright, alright. Come on, Rena.

Rena- [follows Rufus' example with the napkin, then follows bouncily, speaking in his girly squeak] Coming, dear.

[Everyone claps as Rufus and Rena go on stage and Reeve hands over the mic]

Rufus- [clears his throat.] Hello, everybody. It really warms my heart that all of you have such… [bitterly] …interest…in my love life. It makes me feel sincerely _close_ to my employees. But, really, the one that you want to hear from isn't me, so here's my girlfriend, whom you've all been so…wonderfully…adamant about wanting to meet. [hands mic to Rena]

Rena- [nervously, hoping that Rude is the only one who recognizes him] Well, hello…everyone. I'm Rena. [waves sheepishly]

[Elena waves back. Rude snorts, but only Rena and Rufus seem to notice. Rena pauses, unable to think of anything to say.]

Reeve- [Taking microphone] Well, isn't that great?

Audience, Minus Rude- Yay!

Reeve- Now what does our audience want to see now? [holds the mic out for the answer, much like a game show host might do]

Audience, Minus Rude- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!…

[The chanting continues as Reeve turns to Rufus and Rena]

Reeve- Well, it seems that you have no choice, but to kiss or BE SLIMED!

Rufus- …What?

Reeve- Oh, just kiss already.

[A timer starts on stage]

Reeve- Hurry, or you'll run out of time and lose the fabulous prize!

Rena- …Prize?

Reeve- Hurry! Time is running out!

[The two shrug and lean in toward each other before suddenly recoiling]

Rufus- Your breath stinks.

Rena- Yours, too. Must be from all of the puking.

[Rufus pulls out breath spray and squirts it in his, then Rena's mouth. The two kiss just before the clock runs out and the audience responds with a loud cheer.]

Reeve- You did it! You won our fabulous prize! It's a trip for two to sunny Costa Del Sol!

[Colored lights flash as Scarlet comes out in a sequined dress, holding out her hands like Vanna White as curtains open to reveal a big picture of Costa Del Sol. Rufus and Rena stand, positively confused, as the audience cheers wildly]

* * *

Voice- …Reno. Reno, wake up, damnit!

[Reno feels a stinging slap against his face as he comes to, his vision blurry]

Reno- [in girl voice] Rufus, is that you? When are we going to Costa Del Sol?

Voice- Reno, what the hell are you talking about, and what's with the voice?

Reno- [his vision slowly returning, he sees Rude and Elena crouched over him] Where am I?

Rude- You're in the 63rd floor bar. You lost the drinking contest. The President kicked your ass.

Rufus- [Walking up to Reno and peering down at him] You passed out. It's probably because you're not used to vodka. I believe you usually drink scotch, right?

Reno- No party? No sunny Costa Del Sol?

Elena- No, you dork!

Rude- Unless you'd count this as a party, no, and definitely no Costa Del Sol.

Elena- Well, I guess you could call it a party, seeing as we got the President to come.

Rufus- So, I was in your dream, huh? Anything _exciting_? [grins down smugly at Reno]

Reno- Yeah, you were there, and [pointing to Rude] you were there, and [pointing to Elena] you!

Elena- Me too?

Reno- Yeah…and we were at this party that suddenly turned into a game show, and Rufus and I won a trip for two to Costa Del Sol.

Rufus- ….Alrighty then…that's…interesting.

Rude- Why the squeaky voice?

Reno- ………THAT, I'm not telling you.

Elena- It was probably just some of the events from tonight going into your dream from your subconscious mind.

Reno- ………?

Rufus- Look in the mirror.

Reno- [sits slowly and looks in a compact that Elena holds up for him, only to see himself covered in makeup and wearing a large, blue bow in his hair.] EEE!

Rufus- You're very strange when you're drunk.

Elena- You're buying me new makeup. I'm not paying for all of the stuff that you used up.

[Reno faints]

Rude- He really makes an ugly woman, doesn't he?

Rufus- [nods solemnly, fanning Reno]

* * *

Reno- [on a beach chair in Costa Del Sol] Ah, the sun feels great, doesn't it, Rufus?

Palmer- Won't you ever get over him? You two stopped going out last month. Heidegger, pass the lard.

Heidegger- Okay. Gyahahaha!

Reno- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

END

* * *

Miyamashi: So, what did you think? I know that it was stupid (especially the last chapter), but wasn't that the BEST PART ABOUT IT? Constructive criticism is welcome. Eventually, I'm planning on submitting a "Special Features" section, containing deleted/expanded scenes, a gag reel, and interviews with the stars. If, for some reason, you REALLY liked this fic, head to for a couple of doofy pictures related to it. One is of Rena and is in my normal gallery, while the other is a Paint pic of Rena and Rufus that's just as silly, if not sillier than the actual drawing. (Ah, the joys of shameless self-promotion!)

And while I'm at it, (making myself sound desperate, that is) REVIEW, MY PRETTIES, REVIIIIIEEEEEWWWW!!!!!


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